Saturday, February 10, 2007

You curl up against Adam, head on his chest and fingers combing through his chest hair, basking in the afterglow. Adam's arms tighten around you and he kisses your forehead.

"That was... really nice, dude."

You smile against him, but the pause stirs that fear in you again. He must notice something's wrong, because he runs his hand down your back.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I just..."

He waits for you to continue, his hand reassuringly drawing circles against your skin.

"...I guess I just am still... afraid..."

"...that I'm going to say this isn't working out?"

You lean back a bit, looking up at him.


He nods.

"I... wish I could promise that this... us... is going to work. I mean, in terms of... me, anyway."

You feel the dread creeping in again. He finds your hand on his chest and intertwines your fingers.

"I still don't really... know why this is working. I mean, I've always thought I was straight. I... still think I'm straight. I..."

He shakes his head and kisses your forehead again.

"Sorry. I'm not saying this right."

He looks into your eyes and smiles.

"I promise I will always and immediately tell you if I ever have any doubts or concerns. And I promise that right now I have no doubts or concerns."

He shifts a bit against you and laughs.

"And, uh... I think the full condom and cum that's running down my side at the moment is proof that I really, really like sex with you."

You smile and snuggle up to his chest again, feeling reassured. He wraps his arms around you again and pulls you closer.

"I, uh... I hope that helps?"

"That does. I'm sorry I'm so... that I worry."

"Dude. It's totally fair for you to worry. I'm sorry I'm having so much trouble with... with figuring out my sexuality. I know it shouldn't matter, because this is working, but I just..."

He trails off and the two of you are quiet for a bit. His hand moves down to your butt.

"Also, uh... next week will be two months, and also Valentine's Day. Do you want to go out for dinner again?"

"Are we making this a monthly thing?"

"I like that if you do."

"I don't know if I want to do that french place again."

"I guess pizza isn't that special..."

"The Yard is the first place you took me, that first day of classes after we met."

He chuckles.

"Of course it would be."

"I don't know. It's a place we both like, and it doesn't have to be something unusual, does it?"

He kisses your head again.

"Up to you. I'm always happy with pizza."

"I think it'd be nice... it'll be weird going without Carlos though."

Adam's hand stops moving against your back.

"Sorry, I didn't mean that as... I don't know. It'd be nice with just the two of us too, but we usually go there with him."

"Well, we are joined at the hip, in some ways."

He sighs.

"I... I'm glad he seems to be growing more comfortable with things, at least, but sometimes I feel bad about... this."

You lean back and look up at him. He's staring at the ceiling.

"I'm pretty sure he has a crush on me, but I... well, until you, I thought I was completely straight. And even if I had considered that I wasn't, I don't see him in that way."

His hand starts moving again, reassuringly, and you nuzzle into his neck.

"He's like family... like the cooler older brother I never had. It'd be like... dating my dad or something. I love him, but I don't want romance with him."

"I'm sure he understands that."

"I hope so, but it still feels a bit... like I'm being unfair to him, you know? If he likes me, he has to now deal with me dating a guy and... wonder why it isn't him. But maybe that's just me being full of myself."

"I... I think you're a really good friend for him to be worrying about that."

"I hope I can be. And I hope he finds someone right for him."


"So... I guess we should do pizza, and we can invite Carlos if you want, but I feel like it'd just be rubbing it in or something."

"I never thought of it like that. Sorry to... ruin the mood."

"Dude. It's fine. You're good. You're more than good."

He shifts again and shakes his arm.

"But we should probably get cleaned up and think about sleep. I wish this bed was quite so small."

"Well, just means we have to be closer to each other after sex."

He laughs.

"I suppose that's true."

You sit up and watch him stretch.

"Thanks, Adam. I... I'm glad for you."

He sits up, smiles, and gently kisses you.

"I'm thankful for you too, Chris."